So anyway, I was thinking...will I ever feel comfortable enough, confident enough, loving enough, sexy enough, successful enough, besty enough, you know what I mean?! Like me, but just at very peak performance..and some how it just seems like such a far unreachable goal. There's always something to improve, some insecurity to battle, something to make more perfect. Aahh..and some times it's just all very exhausting to be so great. Perhaps it's just a matter of accepting one's own perfectly ordinary ordinariness?! I mean even that seems unreachable. In fact, I've kept changing what perfect means to me, and now perfect just feels like a state of comfort with one's own being, self acceptance. But even that seems too difficult to achieve. Relaxing is difficult. Can you believe that?! Or am I just a nutcase. Tell me I'm a nutcase so it becomes easier to accept myself.
And now all I can do is vent this feeling, for now. On a blog, on the internet so random people know me better, what does that ever do for one's soul I wonder.
In fact, venting is all that seems to give me any sort of relief in a day. It's the only thing that keeps me sane - "to tell my story" (InterPlay style). And as often as I possibly can, yes I indulge in verbal diarrhoea every now and then and I drive my mom nuts. She has to put up with all my crap, but if she didn't, I don't know whom else I could possibly confide in. I hope she realises the responsibility I've piled up on her. Is this unfair?! I don't care for now because it helps me stay alive and stay sane. A therapist would probably tell me to have more people I can trust and confide in, so can he/she find me some more friends please?!
And then, on a different note, here's my song to my future soulmate lover person:
I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes
I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you've never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here
What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go
I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known
I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known
I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known
And you've never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes
You see everything (you see everything), you see every part (you see every part )
You see all my light (you see all my light) and you love my dark (and you love my dark )
You dig everything (you dig everything) of which I'm ashamed (of which I'm ashamed)
There's not anything (there's not anything) to which you can't relate (to which you can't relate)
And you're still here
(You see everything, you see every part)
And you're still here
(You see all my light and you love my dark)
And you're still here
(You dig everything of which I'm ashamed)
(There's not anything to which you can't relate)
And you're still here...
Sound familiar? It's a song called `Everything' by Alanis Morissette.
Cheers all
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