Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Some things

I must, I must, I must...
Yet, none of them feel right
None of them say to me:
I want, I want, I want!!

I know what I am wanting,
but looking at the wrong picture and sighing
Let me be with my dreams
Let me sleep here tonight,
And we will see what shall be in the morning

Perhaps I will not change
Perhaps I shall be swept away to some distant unknown land
Perhaps I shall be the same
Or perhaps, I will have a grin on my face
as I reach for the warm cookie in your hand :)

On dedication...

There is a difference between
creating for Source, and
creating for people.

One is like building a temple,
where you want to put in only the
most beautiful things for the
enjoyment of the Divine.

The other is where you do it
to meet the expectations of others,
and it never matches up.

Hence, dedicate this day,
your life, to the Divine, and
all will be well. All will be
magnificent. All will be

God Bless.
p.s. when I say "Divine" I mean...
That beautiful creative force that flows through you, when you feel "in the zone", when you feel happy doing what you are doing, Nature, God, Insane Orgasmic Bliss, Grace, Glory, Allah, whatever moves you, Joy!!!, perfection...you get it :)

Friday, September 25, 2009

SOA (State of Affairs) part 2

So we're here now. In the spanking new house, and I really love it here. My mother for some reason has upped her nagging quotient, and I'm desperately trying to stay under the radar. As if that is going to work; I cannot hide out in my room forever. Pups are doing well, I've taken full charge of their feeding, care-taking, love-giving, everything. I like doing that anyway, I worry less and less about their jealousy and all that, now if only I can keep these two from climbing me and licking and kissing and scratching me...Rusky (so the older one now has a name) tickled me by climbing up my back, can you believe it?! Gotta love em.

So I'm bearing my soul out to the whole world, and this blog still has zero readers/followers, how is this possible?! No clue. Anyway, why I do this I cannot imagine. Some part of me desperately wants to be seen and noticed - how lame of me, yet how completely human and honest. So I find nothing wrong with this. The day somebody actually posts a "comment", may be then I will think about pulling these posts down, hehe. Until then, naked-blog-running-loose-on-the-internet does not bother me so much.

What else, my room now has a very warm and cosy reading corner, complete with beautiful lavendar incense holders and all that. I feel privileged. Really. Not even all the money in the world can give me as much happiness as gently putting in all those precious books I've collected over the years into their respective shelves. So I have: 1) a new copy of The Prophet (because the old one got pissed on by my ex-kittens, which I've now replaced, complete with old underlinings and scribbles, because I thought I might have put in something golden), 2) Notes to Myself by Hugh Prather, 3) Love and Marriage by Bill Cosby, 3) Adrian Mole from Minor to Major (hilarious, I totally recommend this), 4) The Catcher in the Rye (don't judge me), 5) A Streetcar named Desire, 6) Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, 7) Siddhartha Hermann Hesse, 8) Richard Bach (Illusions and Jonathon Living..), 9) The Little Prince by Antoine (I have it in English, don't ask me why), 10) Stand Still Like the Hummingbird by Henry Miller (simply awesome), and many, many lovable others. I've read many of these books twice.

I now spend most of my time in this corner, along with my laptop, my beloved books (I have some "love stories" stashed away in this hide out as well, hehe), drawing notebook, sketch pens (I'm doing a colour study, and I've gotten as far as discovering the colour palette of Nice!)..how can a girl move her ass out of here when she's this settled?!! Who needs men, yawnn...

So it's 1:14 in the mornin, and me thinks its time to hit the cotton (who knows what they put in there anyway), but I don't feel ready for bed. These days my routine is partially liked by me, and partially disliked by both me and the rents: start day at 12 pm (I don't like this either btw, if I had it my way, I'd make the sun wake up a bit later, and I'd be just in time for beautiful dawn), drag on till night 10 pm when I become most active, and then suddenly I hit fifth gear which goes on till about 2 am. My favourite times of the day: dawn (wish I was up for it) and 4 pm. There is something magical about 4 pm, and I still can't put my whole finger on it. Its the colour of the sky at this time mostly that makes it likable, and the way the sun streams in through the windows.

Alrighty yall, all you ghost readers out there. Leave a comment to let me know what you think.


Wednesday, September 02, 2009

State of affairs

So yeahrrr...this post is just random ramblings really. Nothing great and mind-blowingly philosophical, none of that. Just random stupid stuff.

Ok, we're shifting house now, and the amount of small swallowable (wrong spelling?!) parts that we have just amazes me. How is it possible that four members of the family (plus or minus about 2-5 at any one moment) managed to collect so much of random shit over a period of 10 years?! honestly!!! its such a headache to sort out all the random papers, certificates, random random stupid things..ridiculous. I know one thing for sure, I build a house and I pretty much stay there. Put. That's it. No shifting wifting for me, and no accumulating random crap for me either. No sensible impulsive top of mind purchases any more. And if my kids want to buy random stupid plastic parts, I will make them degradable replicas out of wood of the same things. No kidding.

Ok so yeah, can you actually believe that romantic crazy me, who always was interested in a relationship, dreamed about the ideal "soulmate" for so often has finally stopped thinking about that?! I call this a victory, and honestly I would drink to that. If only I had 10 or so girlfriends (the gang I've always dreamed about but never had - cause I've always really had just one or two special, close friends, and they may be a guy or gay, doesn't matter), I would totally do this (drink to my victory I mean). I would drink to my getting over the endless worrying or fantasizing about this ideal guy. Ok.

Then. My puppies. I'm a little worried about them. I've already mothered so many people in my life (including my ex) that I feel like I have so much mothering experience that I don't even feel the need to have kids anymore. Really. One is a small crazy cute puggy looking thing, and the other is awesomeness incarnate. And awesomeness incarnate (cause we don't have a name yet)which is bigger (and older) is jealous of the smaller one. I thought - ok, the small one looks puggy and not more "attractive" (in the conventional sense) and was a little weaker so I paid more attention to it, and now the older one is suffering from self-esteem problems. Kids. What can you do. You try one parenting technique and then you skew them up forever. Shit. I hope they will turn out alright. Otherwise I will suffer from mother's guilt forever!!

So what else, what else. My face...strage canvas this. I've tried all kinds of things to bring it to that state of perfect complexion (not colour, I mean like smooth and nice, I don't know if there's any word for this), but it always beats me somehow. I've got combination skin, so products for oily skin make parts of my face too dry, and products that are for matte skin really stimulate my sebaceous glands. So yurghhh...its overall nice really, not complaining too much, but every now and then, I'm envious of good-skinned people. I am also envious of women with long legs, I hate them, but only a little bit. Other than that, I'm a girl who is pretty comfortable in her own body. Which I think is a gift in the times we live in. We live in times where our standards of beauty are pretty much fucked up (ok I don't want to really talk further about this).

My parents. I'm trying several childing techniques to be a better child, some are working, so that's good. I live with them, which makes it very weird for me because this is the time when I have to really be independent and really strike out on my own in the world, and at a time like this, there are bound to me many arguments, because I want somethings done my way, and they want it another way, and I totally understand, but I feel we'd all show a lot more love and respect to each other if I was doing my own thing and living by myself. What to do. I've told them that I'm going to live on the roof in my new house. They laughed. But I'm doing this partly for their sanity, and partly for mine. See how thoughtful I am.

So pups, new house, new living arrangement, hopefully better and better skin, a more comfortable me. I'm aging pretty gracefully I'd say. Loving life and its amazing contrasts. What can I say, I'm a lucky girl.

Cheers all.